Well, it’s been a while…
And yes, I’m putting this out in English. Because… reasons.
I was not planning on writing today, but I just read a story called « Why Do All My Friends Want To Kill Themselves? » and it made me think. Mostly about the meaning of life and, for some of us, this far-to-common feeling of emptiness that creeps up inside sometimes. I’m definitely not part of the demographic the author is referring to anymore because… I’m OLD I guess. But hey, it still made an impact. Be prepared for some rambling though.
So far, this year has been the most transformative of my life. I’m quickly approaching my 40th birthday (in 3 years, but still…), I quit my job to fully commit to my own business and I’ve been dealing with the end of my longest – and most meaningful – relationship. So this is not the story of a triumph, an achievement or an amazing success. This is the story of an ongoing journey and what I’ve learned from it so far. This is me allowing myself to be vulnerable, emotional and as truthful as I can be today.
Like a lot of people out there, I’ve been through a lot. I’ve seen people cry for me while listening to my childhood’s stories, the same way I’ve cried for many of my friends. And through it all, there’s one thing I’ve always been searching for. Reparation? Happiness? Relief? I just didn’t know what it was until recently. The thing is, I was looking for a home. A place where I would feel safe and loved. A place where I would feel like I belong.
I could talk to you about being born in Europe as the daughter of African immigrants and how it affects my perception of where home is. I could tell you about my own tragic backstory regarding my family and how it chattered my understanding of what a home is supposed to feel like. I could tell you how lonely, lost and afraid I felt as a teen and through my first years of adulthood. I could explain to you how I had to fight to exist and to be heard by others. But oh well, I’m still here, aren’t I?
I’ve spent so much time trying to fill the void. To finally get and receive what I’ve being missing. Understanding. Tenderness. Guidance. Purpose. Love. Someone who could not only listen to me, but also hear me and tell me I actually do matter.
And I got it. I met and had an amazing partner for 6 years. And even though we’re not together anymore, he definitely changed my life for the better. But he couldn’t fill the void. Not completely. And since we parted ways, I’ve been doing a LOT of soul searching, which is quite uncomfortable and scary. Because even though you try to avoid it, your fears always crawl back to bite you in the ass. You know what I’m talking about, right? The parts of you you’re trying to hide because you’re afraid you’ll be overwhelmed, or should I say eaten, by them. Personally, I used to think that if I’d go there, I’d cry forever. So my go-to move was to try to run away from the pain while still carrying it with me all the time. Which is really ironic by the way.
As of now, I’m still sorting things out and there are a lot of emotions brewing down there. But I’m not afraid of being eaten alive anymore. Now, I cry. And when I’m done, I actually feel better. And sometimes I cry just because all of this makes me emotional. But it’s a good kind of emotional. And for the first time in my adult life, I’m truly grateful. Because the older I get, the more true to myself I become. Because now I know I’m gonna be okay. Because this home I was looking for, I finally found it. And like a turtle, I carry it with me everyday.
Photos In a Daze ©Grant Spanier via Death To Stock